More Complaining
Feeling: Pissed off
Listening to: Hypersonic - Jane's Addiction
Once again lost my respect for S.C- if I could deny that she's weirdly obsessed with my parents before then I definitely can't anymore. She literally was on the phone with her father trying to get him to let her go to Turkey when I'm going with my family. Did we ask her to come along? No. WTF??!!
- H
Weekend in Hell
Feeling: Pathetic
Listening to: No Child of Mine - PJ Harvey
Just had a terrible weekend- I've lost about 75% of my respect for S.C. So it all started out by me making plans to come up for a long weekend to my parents with S.C in tow so we could go to the fair.
So what I didn't factor is that S.C acts SUPER weird around other people's parents. I don't really know how to describe it other than it's almost like she roleplays as their daughter, and not just that but their ONLY daughter. It kind of felt like she was acting like SHE was my parents daughter and I was her friend tagging along. She'd interrupt my conversations with my parents, wake up early to talk to my parents alone, not let me hang out alone with my family and worst of all constantly put me down, but always in a kind of joking way so you couldn't call her on it. Like for example they were watching a movie that was set in Beijing (I've been) and they were showing that people in Beijing were eating bugs and I said "that's definitely not something I saw happen in Beijing" and she was like "Right like you've been everywhere in Beijing" which was a little rude at first, but then she kept making that joke throughout the movie. If she saw an opportunity to prove me wrong or make a demeaning joke about me she'd go sicko mode on it and just keep using it to put me down. And the virtue signaling was off the charts!!! I'm quite leftist, but there's something disingenuous about telling a story about some marginalized group struggling just for the sake of telling it yourself. I mean- how do you expect the person you're telling this story to to respond? That they will say 'oh that's so terrible, such a terrible story' and then you feel some sort of sick pride that this person is thinking about what a wonderful person you are for caring about these terrible things? It already drives me up the wall already how she always has to cry about stories about some women who were raped 10000 years ago as though her 'sympathy' for them is entirely unselfish but she had to bring up all these social issues in conversations that weren't remotely related to social justice. Like talking about sometimes you get headaches shouldn't end in how women have been mistreated by the medical system. I'm not dismissing that this is an issue but I HATE when people take these actual problems in the world and use it to inflate their own ego!!!!
And my dearest mother, with her people-pleasing attitude and complete dismissal of immediate family members, when I told her that I felt S.C acted differently around other people than when we're just alone told me: "I don't even recognize you- you are so sensitive. You need to give your friends more leeway to make jokes about you." and I got really angry at her and told her "You don't recognize me because I am standing up for myself? That doesn't surprise me." I just tried to ignore her for the rest of my weekend. Why couldn't I get a normal mother.
On the last day (today) S.C was whining about "oooh I had such a great weekend, I don't want to go back to Seattle" and I almost laughed in her face. You had a good weekend verbally abusing me and masking it behind jokes?? You have a good weekend of my shitface mother bending over backwards for you?? You little bitch
Luckily- I have more power over the entire situation. She will never see them again :-D
- H
Isn't She Lucky?
So I've decided to do the drastic thing of getting over T. It really is for the best- we are NEVER getting together and it's just interfering with me being a hot girl. Let's ignore that it's probably the 25th time I've tried to do it. Why does it seem like whenever you try to get over someone that suddenly they're everywhere around you? I watched Love Story (that old 70s movie) for the first time today and the whole time I was thinking about how T looks like Ali MacGraw... pathetic- exactly why I should be getting over her instead of watching movies that remind me of her.
Also, this whole year I've been losing my mind because I felt like I hadn't done enough for my career, but suddenly all the pieces seem to be coming together. I released an app this month and got 'promoted' to team lead at my internship (ironic how I tank my pm class and then become...a pm....). And now that I'm done with the app taking up all my time I'm cranking out the projects like craaaaaaazy. I wrote an entire sqlite gui in ~3 days. Next up I'm going to finish an embedabble chatbox thing that I've written all the code for but honestly kind of forgotten about. Then, I heard about this research that would help develop a programming language that wasn't english-based (strange, right?) and I reached out to the professor and I think I have a good shot at getting the position. Crazy how things just fall into place like that?
I feel like I'm snapping out of a 1.5year daze. Like my personality from 2021 is thawing. I get random bursts of nostalgia because of the thoughts I get. It's good- that was a much simpler time (even though it was like yesterday)
- H
Nosedive
Feeling: Frazzled
Listening to: Трудный Возраст - MakSim
So I got some not so good grades this quarter, and I'm really going to have to step up my game. But one thing I'm not going to do is blame myself and dwell on things that have happened that I have no more control over. I mean it's crazy- I got an *intrusive thought* about going out with T and it was fine at first but then I started berating myself because my grades were bad so somehow I'm not good enough for her??
And then I though "Oh my god, what is wrong with you??" because I mean imagine if you're having sex with someone and you're almost there and then they're like "wait, wait" and you're like "what?" and they're like "I need to ask you something" and you're like "yeah?" and they're like "What was your grade in INFO 380: Information System Analysis and Design?" and you're like "uhhh idk like 2.3 or something? Bad quarter" and they're like "oh" and then they stop so you're like "what's wrong? Why'd you stop" and they just smile and kiss you on the forehead but don't start back up again, and that's when you know it's over. Then they follow it up with "Listen, I'm sorry to do this right now, and I really do think you're a great person but it's just become obvious to me that we have two different visions for life, and I can't see myself with somebody... like you. I'm sorry" They start putting on their pants and you're still splayed out like an idiot, wind blowing between your legs, and you say "You're seriously breaking up with me?". As they're buttoning up their shirt they tell you "I'll call you". You know they won't. And then they leave, and you don't hear from them again until you see their engagement announcement on facebook to somebody with really ugly hair 5 years later.
Isn't that INSANE??
- H
🎶 Red roses in spring 🎶
Feeling: Elated
Listening to: Dove (I'll be loving you) - Moony
So yesterday the web programming course staff all went out to dinner and it was one of the highlights of my school year for sure. It was great to talk to these people that I was just on the border of calling friends about normal human things and to have an excuse to get to know them better. At one point our conversation was so funny I cried of laughter :-D. I'm going to miss a lot of them who have the leave at the end of the quarter :-(.
I talked to this one TA who's new to our staff, let's call her Elliot, and she turned out to be super funny and interesting. She's studying art history and cs, and she's giving a talk at the Seattle Art Museum next week on art history- I am going to do my best to be there. Isn't that so cool?
- H
